She'd been very concerned, given me a half–hour lecture (including an account of her own descent through five stone, regained through love of food) and, it seems, had contacted my personal tutor. We had a tutor–tutee talk for about fifteen minutes. She asked me what kind of diet I was on. 
"Three meals a week."
"Oh, well, that's OK then. ... A week?!" 
She said she'd never considered me overweight, said I didn't look ill, but to be careful, as there's a danger of anorexia, which is a serious problem. I realise this, but can't help wishing for it. To be repulsed by food would be so much more comfortable than this continuous frustration. She expressed a confidence in my good sense. ?

Ate nothing today. [ Eight stone thirteen!  <  Unreal! ]


Wednesday 7th March 1990, University
Met some Gay Soc members in the Students' Union. We were to outline in black paint on a pink sheet, the words 'Lesbian and Gay Awareness Week,' from my design. This is to be hung up outside the Students' Union building in full view of all. We went to the Students' Union Lecture Theatre. Vikki arrived. I feel self–conscious around her. Does she know about the Valentine? She is never very friendly with me and doesn't bother to talk to me if I say nothing. Erin came later and we painted till 3pm.
Then I went to see the controversial BBC2 lesbian film of a few months ago, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit. It was showing as part of Women's Week. I thought it was excellent. The infamous lesbian scene didn't shock me at all, but it hurt. Emotional to watch. My heart was beating fast. I felt that that's what I so want, what I desperately want.
Then to the Gay Soc meeting. I felt obligated to agree to help Siobhan stick up posters round the uni on Friday morning (provided she did my block without me!). Obligated to this as I'd refused to hand out leaflets and stickers, accost people with a questionnaire or do a shift on the Lesbian and Gay book stall. I am the only "Chicken," says Erin, and she added, "Remember, she is still in the closet." I protested, but compared to them, it's true.

Ate nothing today. [ Eight stone twelve! ]

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